


better not to breathe than to breathe a lie

by PolzkaDotz



Series: we all go to hell [2]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dragons, Alternate Universe - Gods & Goddesses, Death Industry, Deities, Dragon!Andrew, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Nightmares, Suicidal Ideation, god!Neil, no kissing, they still dont kiss but trust in me ppl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-04
Updated: 2019-10-07
Packaged: 2020-11-23 18:49:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20894417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PolzkaDotz/pseuds/PolzkaDotz
Summary: At the end of the day, it was hard to admit Wymack had been right: Neil definitely needed to find a fucking new hobby. Instead of listening to him, though Neil started his own business.Neil is bodily safe, mentally unstable but people still come to him for advice.Andrew is not happy about how poorly Neil is at taking care of himself, though.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

>   
It's been a few months since i had the time to think about this sequel, but here we are!!! I hope you like it!!!  
  
Also, if you are uncomfortable about the death industry, you might not want to read this one.  
  
EDIT (06/10/19): hi hello i am dumb of ass and forgot to say the title came from Mumford and Sons' "Broken Crown"  


At the end of the day, it was hard to admit Wymack had been right: Neil definitely needed to find a fucking new hobby. Instead of listening to him, though Neil started his own business. 

Despite what Neil had told Andrew a few months back, he didn't think he'd actually become an entertainer of any sort (even if Andrew insisted that Neil's life was a good enough joke to land him in a comedic career). Neil had unfortunately acquired a distaste for being in the public eye in any sort of form—something he was only able to notice after being dragged too many times to too many malls by some well-meaning Fox Security's employees (mainly Allison and Nicky). 

It did surprise most of them when he announced that he would be moving away from the Fox Security headquarters to open up his own crematorium. And they had months to get used to the idea, because Neil had to find the appropriate place to build his crematorium, find a house close enough to it to buy, file the government forms that not only recognized him as an immortal being (and what a terrible thing it was to see on a form “Date of Birth” and be unable to pinpoint it, instead having to put “roughly 6000 BC”) but also allowed him to be one of those people who could open business—Andrew helped him with most of that, to be honest, so Neil had only a meager understanding of the whole process. 

However, to be fair to the Foxes, it was really hard to see a connection between what they knew of Neil and what he'd chosen. Not only because, as North Americans, they were part of a culture that had a complicated relationship with death but also they couldn't believe that Neil, _a god, _would want to work in something like that. 

“Don't get us wrong, Neil,” Dan said, glaring at Nicky after he'd been rude to Neil as they helped him build the furniture in his house he had hired them to. Neil didn't bother to tell her to stop glaring, because he had already decided he was going to punish Nicky by giving him a smaller tip than the rest of them. “We'll support you in anything you do, but… you're a _god_. Surely you can find something that works a little better?” 

Neil thought about telling her that the fumes currently emitted by crematory machines were harmful to the environment, and he would be able to control how much of it came out the machine thanks to his powers because he didn’t have to use gas. 

He thought about explaining how much gas was necessary to fuel a full cremation, especially if the deceased was brought to be cremated without an appropriate cremation casket, instead of in one of those big, expensive, cushioned caskets, that had metal in them and everything. 

He thought about reminding Dan that Death was the last challenge, and it was fitting that he would get back on his own godhead with easy, baby steps. 

He thought about asking her how could a god be a god when he didn't have that many (or any) followers to worship him? 

Instead, he shrugged and said, “Nothing feels better, or right. Only this.” 

Which prompted Seth to say, “That's fucking morbid,” and be shushed by all of those who heard him—even Wymack, two rooms away in Neil's bathroom as he fixed the sink. 

Andrew didn't say anything to Neil as he carried a box full of the presents Neil had gotten from the Foxes when they heard he was moving away. Andrew actually knew all the reasons why Neil wanted to find something useful to do with his powers because he'd been the one to encourage him to get out and find _anything_ to do. Well, encourage him in his own way. 

When he came back, Andrew stopped at the door and just looked at Neil, quietly gauging how he was doing. Neil gave him a tight-lipped smile but didn't bother to be more expressive. Andrew would get him. 

They didn't notice that they stared at one another for a little longer than what was socially normal and didn't notice that the others were watching their interaction avidly. 

Wymack did interrupt their staring by informing him he was done, but he also didn't comment on the room's atmosphere, even though it was finally heavy enough with curiosity to baffled Neil and make Andrew roll his eyes (mostly at Renee, who was giving him a small smile). 

The Foxes were finally invested and in the known that _something _was apparently happening between the two, but they made a collective decision to not say anything right them, even if Nicky seemed ready to burst at any moment. 

The bets were being formulated in most of their minds though. 

  


* * *

  


Nicky was the first to try to get an answer out of Neil. “So… you and Andrew, huh?” 

Neil looked at him, looked at Andrew who was still standing in the doorway, ignoring the absurd noises of his coworkers, and then looked back at Nicky. “What about it?” 

“Exactly!” Nicky exclaimed. “Explain yourself.” 

“Everything is pretty obvious though,” Neil said and watched as Nicky's face lit itself up with glee, only to die a terrible death in seconds. “It's written in his fate that he's my mortal nemesis, destined to kill me. I have to be watchful of him.” 

Nicky marched away, and Neil had to suppress the urge to snicker. 

  


* * *

  


The fact of the matter was that Andrew was a damn good priest. 

Obviously, he didn't have as many functions as the priests Neil had in the past. After all, thousands of years had passed since the last time Neil had a physical temple that needed tending, and followers to be taken care of. 

However, when Neil started to wake up from his naps (and what an exciting thing that was, being able to sleep and actually rest, somewhat unbothered by worries of his own safety) because he'd been having nightmares… Well. Andrew was a good distraction, although a bit too focused on nagging him about doing therapy. 

It was Andrew who taught Neil techniques to redirect dreams to more pleasant imagery. 

It was Andrew who wrote a list of professions that Neil would be suited for when he started to complain about the other Foxes being on his case about him becoming an actual employee and Neil voiced that he didn't want to work there. 

It was Andrew who dumped a bunch of books on the current state of the North American death industry—and, to be fair, it was also Andrew who called Neil's attention to the fact that Death was the last challenge of them all. 

So, in the end, Neil definitely thought that Andrew was a damn good priest, because he was devout to god in all the ways that mattered. 

Unfortunately, that devotion was enough to reawaken even older memories in Neil. Memories that weren't related to all the evils his father had done to Neil, to his mother, to torment them on their run. 

Memories of past priests. 

And their ends. 

  


* * *

  


Utu was tall, dark-skinned, and had the deepest well of patience that Neil had ever witnessed which reflected on his serene smile, no matter who came to him. 

And many did. Of Neil's priests, Utu was the one with the best reputation—also the best track record in useful blessings. 

Neil sometimes thought he was that good because he was the first, but there was no way to guarantee that and it didn't matter in the end. He was good, powerful, reliable, and he _chose _to be Neil's priest. 

The temple wouldn't be its current glory if he wasn't there. 

Which, of course, was enough to make Neil think about when he _wouldn't _be there anymore. 

“That's a pointless thought to entertain,” Utu would tell Neil every time he noticed the same troubled expression on his face. “I'll be with you even when I'm not here anymore.” 

“How can you say that?” Neil asked him every time only to receive a mysterious smile and a murmured, “I have faith,” as an answer. 

Neil's mother didn't approve. She always had one priest and one priest only. She would click her tongue every time she came to visit Neil and his temple, especially when she heard comments about how _nice_ Neil was and what a _blessing _it was to have such a good god taking care of their village. 

His mother was right to be worried. Neil's father disapproved wholeheartedly of being _nice _and _good_ and— 

When Neil's dream started to make a turn for the gruesome, smells and tastes and sounds of wars buried deep into the box of unvisited memories that Neil kept closed inside his head, Neil forced himself to wake up. 

Unlike other times, he didn't have Andrew near him, able to be summoned by a single text message. Andrew was probably awake though; Neil's distressed dreams were always enough to wake him up, to the point that whenever Andrew woke up without an obvious answer, he'd shoot Neil a message. 

This time, it was no different. 

_Tell me that it was something stupid like the wind waking me up. _

Neil bit his lip. _In my defense, I'm not doing it on purpose. _

His phone started to ring a few seconds later. 

“You know it makes no difference, right? Intentionality, I mean.” 

“Well, I'm sure you would be angrier if I had done this intentionally.” 

“I'm not angry,” Andrew said and Neil snorted, even though he believed that. Technically, Andrew wasn't angry. The same way he was never annoyed, or happy or even _worried. _The only emotion Andrew appeared to be comfortable vocalizing seemed to be boredom. 

But sure. He wasn't angry. 

“Are you not going to tell me to talk about it?” Neil asked, not intending for it to sound as snappy as it did, by oh well. 

“I'm not your therapist,” Andrew snapped back, but Neil knew he meant, _You should find a therapist. _

“I know but it's something that Matt told me when—” when Neil told him he had nightmares. Something he never explicitly said to Andrew. 

“I'm also not Matt, if you didn't notice,” Neil couldn't help but try to read the nuances of Andrew's speech. It was useless, because Neil was better at understanding Andrew when he could feel his dragon restlessly moving inside of Andrew's body. 

“Oh, the long silence between sentences was a little too strained to be Matt.” 

“Do you need anything?” Andrew asked and the change in subject was quicker than Neil's brain knew how to deal with. “Think carefully about your answer because I'm only gonna ask this once.” 

Neil thought about saying, _Accepting that I was going to die and then finding a way to stay alive really messed up with my head. Now I'm thinking too much about the dead people who are in my past. _

He thought about saying, _I'm afraid of what is gonna happen to you, with my father's priestess still out and about in the world. _

He thought about saying, _I can imagine three thousand different ways that could get you killed and my presence in your life is the catalyst for many of them. _

He couldn't, though. Andrew had already told him to search for a therapist to deal with his many problems, Andrew could take care of himself in a fight and Andrew himself knew about all the ways that Neil could get him killed. 

Still, Andrew hadn't told him to get away (well. He did tell Neil to _move _away when living in the Foxes' headquarters started to be too much, but he didn't cut all contact with Neil, so that was something). Andrew hadn't tried to get rid of him. That _meant _something. 

So Neil said, “Maybe… sing to me?” and grinned a bit when Andrew sighed and hung up on his face. 

  


* * *

  


It didn't take long for Neil's conversations with Andrew to become a little (a lot) strained, getting worse as time went on. 

It was definitely an unusual development since now they saw each other a lot less than when Neil was readily available in the Fox Security headquarters (and therefore had many more opportunities to fuck each other up). 

It's true that they were both busy with work (Neil much more so because a lot of funeral directors seemed to be liking the fact that they could call their services “green” if they used Neil's services) but what has made their relationship harder was simple: Neil's nightmares had gotten worse and he was definitely not doing anything about it. 

It was to be expected. Even Neil knew that now that he'd have more idle time, his brain would probably start to entertain all the things he didn't let himself think about when on the run. 

Unfortunately for him, he thought he would be able to deal with it. It was miraculous that it hadn't affected his productivity yet, because that was definitely something that he feared, especially as a new business owner. The work provided a relief period of thinking though, and that was probably another factor on why his cremation services were highly in-demand: Neil had the longest hours and was the most efficient. 

Nonetheless, this distraction wasn't desirable. Neil finally had an opportunity to be someone again, and he was wasting months into hazed daydreams, unspoken fears, and just a generalized inattentive state. 

So when Neil was finally visited by Jean in his work, he was sort of relieved. Not because he was particularly fond of Jean per se, but because of the creatures in his life, Jean was the one who could probably relate to him the most. He wasn't a therapist, but Jean had always been someone who listened. Neil hoped that that hadn't changed. 

Neil let Jean enter his house after appropriately awkward greetings and they sat on Neil's sofa in silence for a few beats. 

“What brings you here?” Neil asked Jean, not smiling but trying not to be confrontational in any way. He needed Jean to be a little more relaxed because he was kind of stressing Neil. 

Jean shrugged at his question. “Had some free time and my priest told me to come.” 

Neil raised both eyebrows in surprise. “A priest, huh? You move fast.” 

Hypocrite. Neil was a complete hypocrite. 

“As I'm sure you know, I didn't choose him but… Jeremy is agreeable enough.” 

“Meaning he knows how to deal with your mood swings?” Neil said and grinned a little at Jean's mild but annoyed frown. “Don't make that face. The entire East knew to tread carefully when trying to get the good graces of—” 

“Do not say the name,” Jean snapped and Neil closed his mouth audibly. “I give you the courtesy of not referring to you by anything other than a friend.” 

“And I will extend the same treatment to you,” Neil replied with a solemn nod. “Forgive me.” 

Jean nodded back and they stayed in comfortable silence for a few moments. Neil took that time to formulate how he was going to ask for help but Jean was quicker than him. 

“To be honest, I need your help with a few things.” Neil looked into Jean's troubled eyes and made a gesture for him to keep going. “I've been plagued by the feeling that I'm undeserving of my priest. As you know, I never had that many before I… my temper scared many of them off but now I think I've learned a little in my—” Jean took a deep breath and let his sentence die like that. 

“Have you voiced those fears to your priest?” 

Jean looked at Neil like he was crazy. “That would show I'm weak.” 

Neil snorted and looked upwards, just to try to control the eye-roll he so sorely wanted to give Jean. “Communicating with your priest is not a weakness. They are there to help you while you help them. It's a two-way street. To keep garbage littering that pathway is stupid and just plain asking for trouble.” 

Jean blinked at him and it was clear from his face that not only was he confused by Neil but he obviously doubted it would work. 

Neil sighed and decided he wouldn't open up to Jean. Not today, at least. Jean was not his smart self, currently. “Just try.” 

  


* * *

  


Neil didn't hear from Jean for _ages _(probably two months). It was hard for him to keep track of time because very few interesting things happened. He always woke up, worked and worked and worked and then one or more Foxes would come to visit him. Rinse, repeat. 

Andrew never came around much. Their connection hadn't dimmed, as proven by Neil's call history but every time they saw each other, Andrew got colder and colder. 

It was true that Neil looked like shit. Immortality didn't protect his body from showing what a lack of good night's sleep did. Yes, he technically didn't _have_ to sleep much, but it was healthy to sleep at least a few hours per week. The problem was, Neil stopped doing even that. 

To be quite honest, the fact that his routine was so set in stone helped him with not getting lost in his memories. It was honestly terrifying how his brain tried to undermine everything Neil was trying to do with life. 

The root of the problem was that Neil technically didn't want to die anymore. Before, he wanted to be done with living just on the miraculous chance of being free from his father's shadow forever. Now, even with his father gone and most of their people gone too, Neil shouldn't be feeling this yearning to end everything still. 

It was different from the other yearning. Now it just seemed to be a cloying thing, stuck to him and trying to make him inert. It was annoying but it did have some arguments like, “_Everybody you know is going to die and you'll be left here alone. You won't even be able to promise you won't forget them because you have already promised that before and didn't do it.”_

It was what made seeing the Foxes every day almost a little tiring for him. However, whenever they came to visit, Neil was able to put those thoughts aside and enjoy them, love them like there was nothing wrong. He liked their fierceness, loudness and overall vocal enthusiasm about everything. They were annoying, yes, but endlessly fascinating and entertaining. 

However, they would age. They were young adults now (not counting Wymack and Abby, who were on their prime) and they would grow old and eventually die. 

Neil _hated _that. 

And he hated even more that he would force Andrew to watch the same thing happen before Andrew himself died too. 

So, to say things were awkward when they saw each other was the biggest understatement since Nicky told them that a stranger he tried to pull at a bar said, “You talk a little bit fast, huh?”. 

When Neil's doorbell rang late one Wednesday night, Neil's first thought was “That would be Andrew”. Then he remembered Andrew had recently gotten another job to be a security guard at one of those magical raves and he was going to be away until Monday. Frowning, Neil opened his door and there was Jean with a… stranger? 

Neil's guard immediately went up. 

“Old friend,” Neil greeted Jean, sliding a careful eye towards the other man but not addressing him. 

“Old friend, greetings!” Jean said after taking a big breath. “This is my priest that I told you about.” 

“Hello, I'm Jeremy,” the stranger said and offered a handshake. Neil raised one eyebrow at him but didn't bother to say anything about how he had never been offered a handshake from a priest in the olden times. This was modern times and handshakes were all the rage. Or something. 

“I'm Neil,” Neil said and took his hand. 

“Could we use your home to continue that discussion from last time?” Jean twisted his hands nervously and a low rumble came from the sky, far away enough that it probably wouldn't rain but still close enough to be a threat. “I could use your help to explain some difficult concepts.” 

Neil sighed but let them in. Jeremy didn't seem to be bothered by the fact that he was probably (definitely) near corpses, like some Americans Neil had encountered. 

Neil made them sit at his kitchen table while he boiled water for tea. While his back was to them, Neil said, “Talk.” 

Jean, unbothered by his Neil's manners, started to talk. 

“It's not that Jeremy doesn't understand my fears—” 

“I just disagree with your insecurities,” Jeremy butted in and Jean sighed. “You haven't given me any reason to believe you'll be as bad as you seem to think. I think you're just being too hard on yourself.” 

Jean was opening his mouth to reply when Neil turned back to face them and said, “What happened to that red-headed priest you had? I seem to have forgotten.” 

Jean stared at Neil, his face serious and calm, but the weather betrayed him: it started to pour down outside. “Don't go there, old friend.” 

“Tell him stories of what you have done to some of your priests. Maybe then he'll understand your fears.” 

“I don't want him afraid of me.” 

Neil raised an eyebrow. “Then you've changed. You used to want all of your priests afraid.” 

Jeremy was looking from one side of the kitchen to the other, watching the discussion with an attentiveness that reminded Neil of And—someone. Just someone. 

“I'm not that person anymore.” 

“No? What's changed?” 

_“I've _changed.” 

“Have you told him that story yet?” 

“My shames are _not _to be displayed,” Jean growled and a bolt of lightning was the only warning they got before the power went out. 

“Oh,” Neil said for the dark shadow he knew was Jean. “I see you found your old pride again.” 

The lights flickered back on just as sudden as the surprised look on Jean’s face. 

“This is not my pride,” Jean argued, but it was weak. He knew he was lying. 

“Hm,” Neil said and sat both of the teacups he’d been tending in front of them, sloshing a little bit onto his own fingers. The burns didn’t bother him. It was his territory, after all. “Tell him however much you think it’s suitable. But don’t hold your weak moments just to yourself like they’ll be banished from existence like that. You won’t heal from them and it might come back to hurt the one you actually don’t wish to harm.” 

With that, Neil got up and went to his own living room, to notice that he’d forgotten the window opened and Jean’s emotional outburst had left a very wet and leafy mess on his carpet. 

Neil sighed and started to work on cleaning it, ignoring the sounds that came from the kitchen. 

Little did Neil know that that conversation with Jean would turn his life upside down. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>   
Neil and The Nile, the greatest ship we should all get behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
hi!!! a little warning: i changed a small thing in the last chapter. Neil used to have been born around 3000 BC, now it's 6000. That's not important at all!  
There's some wrong opinions about mental health and mental health professionals in this chapter. Neil should learn to keep his mouth shut sometimes lmao

Neil didn’t ask what Jean and Jeremy had discussed when they got out of the kitchen, but they looked like they had gone through the ringers. However, the energy between them felt better. Soothed. 

Of course, Jean had to hold Neil’s shoulder as they were getting out and say the worst things he could possibly say. 

“Thank you, my friend.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

“I have to be honest, though… You’re looking a little rough. If you need to talk, I’m here to listen.” 

_You’re looking a little rough_. As Matt liked to say to Neil, “Oof”. 

* * *

That was the tone of the next stage on Neil’s life, obviously. Now, even the Foxes started to ask him how he was. If he was sleeping well. If he wanted to come back to their headquarters. If he was happy. 

“You’re always welcome, bro,” Matt said in one of his visits to Neil’s house (just him and Dan this time), clutching Neil to his chest in a hug, almost cutting his air supply. “We miss living with you.” 

When Neil started to tell them that it was just some more nightmares, they were sympathetic to his pain. The problem was, their suggestion also aligned with the same thing Andrew had suggested, months ago now: therapy. 

When Dan suggested that he should speak with Dobson, which was the mental health professional on the Fox Security roll pay, Neil couldn’t help but scoff. Dan and Matt, the only ones with him on that night, blinked at this sudden obvious demonstration of disdain. They usually had to pry Neil’s opinions from him but not this time. 

“What’s wrong with Betsy?” Matt asked, confused. 

“There’s nothing wrong with her.” 

“Then why are you scoffing?” Dan demanded, her frown pronounced but still unable to hide her worry. Neil sighed. He should’ve tried harder to stop himself. 

“It’s just… useless to go to a therapist just because of some nightmares, especially a mortal one,” Neil explained and wanted to sigh again at the twin baffled looks he was getting from his friends. “I can deal with them on my own. I’m fine.” 

Dan raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Are you, though?” 

Neil just stared her down. 

“Neil, buddy,” Matt’s voice was so soft, Neil just couldn’t keep glaring Dan down. “You’re obviously not fine. The nightmares are disrupting your health and that’s clearly a clear sign of not being fine, dude. Also… they probably aren’t the problem. Just the manifestation of it.” 

Neil frowned at him, but didn’t answer. 

That conversation did stay with him, though. 

* * *

When Jean came back with another god (a younger one, called Lastar, whom Neil had never seen before), who also had problems with their priests, Neil remembered Matt’s words. 

And then again when Jean made Lastar come back with one of his priestesses. 

And then again when another god (Quintan, god of Chances). 

When Lastar came back and brought one of his priests with him, and then he came back with a goddess (Neulla, goddess of Marriages), Neil was already tired of thinking about it. Also, he was starting to miss Andrew and the Foxes, who barely were able to visit him anymore because there were too many people coming and going out of his house. 

It didn’t take long for Neil to become the unofficial counselor of many deities and his solution was to set up a day when they all could come and talk in a group, not only with Neil but with each other. The number of people Neil knew started to grow and he even liked some of them. 

It was a little baffling, but Neil did his best to be helpful. 

He was the god of Challenges, after all. He wouldn’t give up on this new challenge even if some of his advice did ring hollow since he was starting to notice that the stuff he promoted was the things he avoided doing. 

It didn’t take long for the hypocrisy to start wearing him down, as much as the nightmares did. 

Andrew stopped saying anything when he called, and Neil was forced to just listen to his priest’s breathing until he was able to fall asleep again. Every time he tried to open his mouth, he would visualize another dead priest or priestess, and the words would die alongside them. 

* * *

When Nicky started to sing-song, “Boys and girls of every age, wouldn’t you like to see something strange?”, Neil was aware that he was missing some reference, but one single look at his work calendar gave him a clue. 

Halloween was fast approaching. 

Neil was aware of the new meaning of the holiday and it’s costuming requirements, but he thought he would be spared from it. Maybe the Foxes would finally find their sensitivity button and remember that maybe Neil was around when Samhain hadn’t been corrupted from its original roots but nope. Unfortunately, Neil had forgotten that the Foxes now mostly treated him as a normal person and normal people weren’t gods so… 

“Have you chosen your costume?” Nicky asked Neil, almost yelling on top of all the loud noises of their friends playing something on the TV (that they brought. With their own video-game console. And games. Because Neil ‘had more space’). 

(They had a fucking tower, what the actual fuck.) 

(_Lying bastards_, Neil thought fondly.) 

“Andrew’s gonna choose my costume,” Neil informed Nicky and again luck was not on his side, because the Foxes had stopped making noises for a brief second. That was enough to make Neil’s voice loud and clear. 

Andrew turned to him. This was one of those rare occasions where he had come with the Foxes, even if he didn’t look particularly thrilled with being there. He didn’t verbally deny what Neil had said but Neil knew he would try to make Neil regret giving him that kind of free-range. 

The Foxes looked between them and started to whisper between themselves. 

“Seriously,” Nicky complained loudly, rolling his eyes at Neil. “What is actually going on between you and Andrew?” 

“We’re in love—” said Neil, and everybody froze up—even Andrew. “—with hating each other. We are absolutely crazy about wreaking havoc in each other’s lives. Unfortunately, I lost the last round on our hate war, so Andrew has the privilege of—” 

“I literally couldn’t care less!” Seth interrupted him. 

“Oh,” Neil said, pretending to be confused. “Then why did Nicky ask?” 

All the Foxes sighed in unison. 

Neil smirked but didn’t say anything. 

* * *

In a meeting that he had not been invited and was therefore prohibited of expressing his opinion, the Foxes decided that not only was Neil’s apartment elected as the next place to hold their Halloween party but also it was vital that Neil went out with Nicky and Allison to buy Halloween decoration for Neil’s entire fucking home, apparently. 

It was incredibly suspicious that neither of them offered any proof of said meeting, who had decided what and how they had arrived at their decision. It was also incredibly suspicious that both of them had absolutely no problem bullying Neil to try to get information out of him about _everything_—Andrew, Neil’s nightmares, Neil’s reluctance to search for fucking help, etc. 

(For the record, that was something that Dan, Matt, and Renee would never do, and Aaron and Seth had no interest in trying to do. Andrew was out of the question). 

Regardless, Neil was dragged away from his responsibilities to go on a “quick trip”. 

That was two hours ago. 

“I really need to go back,” Neil complained and didn’t even care that he was basically speaking in an undignified whine. 

“What you need is to get excited about Halloween,” Allison argued, passing in front of Neil with a basket full of skulls and spiders and other stuff, her pace too fast for Neil to be able to identify it all. 

“I don’t really think that’s more important than all those families counting on me for the last step in their mourning routines.” That made Allison whisk herself away from him without a reply but making it clear that she was not going to entertain Neil and his attempts at guilt-tripping them. 

Neil sighed. He couldn’t even go back to his place on his own because he didn’t know the way. Maybe Neil should’ve gone out of his home and explored the city a little more, but he thought it would be enough to learn how to get to the Fox tower and back to his house, and also from his house to his crematorium. Now was definitely not the time to be stubborn and stomp outside to sulk or anything. With his luck, Neil would get himself lost and that would be worse than waiting for them to get him back safe and sound. 

Also, they seemed to be almost finished. How much more decoration could a party need? 

Apparently, not a lot but a party definitely needed booze, or so they convinced Neil. They couldn’t force him to get out of the car to go buy alcohol, though. He wouldn’t drink and therefore had no interest partaking in this fruitless endeavor. 

Also, he was hoping that they would finally understand that his patience was wearing thin. 

Neil had no way of verifying if it was that that made them head back to his place, but they did and Neil was grateful. Nicky and Allison started to discuss how they’d organize the things back at Neil’s place and Neil let himself drift away mentally from the conversation. 

It didn’t take long for him to come back to the conversation with Allison saying, “Neil?” 

Her voice made it clear it wasn’t the first time she called him. “Yes?” 

“Were you alive at the same time as the dinosaurs?” 

Neil blinked slowly and looked from Allison and Nicky in front of him. “No humans were alive at that time.” 

“Yes, but were you?” 

Neil said slowly, “No.” 

“Did you ever see a mammoth?” Nicky asked, excitedly. 

“Why are you asking me this?” Neil was so lost that he almost regretted checking out of the conversation a few moments earlier. 

“We are thinking about buying you a caveman costume,” Allison explained and Neil immediately frowned. 

“Absolutely not. Andrew will choose my costume.” 

“We could suggest it to him,” Allison said and looked at Nicky quickly before turning her gaze back to the streets. Nicky looked definitely apprehensive about where this conversation was heading. 

“Uhhh, Allison, I don't think that’s a good idea…” Nicky’s voice was shaky. 

“You’re his cousin,” Allison’s voice booked no arguments. 

“That absolutely doesn’t protect me from being threatened at knife-point! Maybe even a little bit stabbed!” Nicky had definitely not heard the undertone in Allison’s voice. “I’m not asking anything of him.” 

“Just make a suggestion!” 

“No!” 

“Why not?” 

“I don’t know how he’d react!” 

Neil didn’t bother paying attention to what Allison was saying because he was too busy texting. A few moments later, he interrupted their conversation to say, “Andrew already bought my costume.” 

Both Allison and Nicky went quiet for a few seconds, then started to grumble under their breath. Neil had to stop himself from smirking at their obvious disappointment—even if Nicky was also obviously relieved from not risking any kind of bodily harm. 

When they were finally back at Neil’s place, Allison and Nicky allowed Neil to go do his job as they ran around the whole place putting things where they should be and arguing loudly over where most items should be, apparently. 

Neil didn’t mind their noise. It was different from the usual deathly (ha!) silence that accompanies his work, but it was not a bad different. 

When they were finished, they came to get him to see their work. Neil walked around his home, which had suddenly been invaded by many fake animals, fake pumpkins, fake spider webs… it looked like the images that they had shown him before coming to force him to go out. 

“You did a good job, I guess,” Neil said, when they watched him for a few seconds in silence, clearly waiting for his judgement. 

“Are you excited about Halloween then?” They asked in unison. 

“Well…” Neil took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Up until now, Halloween has made my so-called friends pester me and drag me away from my responsibilities do to things that clearly didn’t need my input so I’ll have to say no. I’m mostly annoyed by Halloween now.” 

Neil couldn’t handle their twin sad faces at him and he sniggered as he went back to his work. They came after him, trying to convince him to change his mind but Neil couldn’t get mad at them. He knew what they were doing, and he’d never begrudge their clear worry over his current health, even more evident by how much more time all of them seemed to be wasting at his place recently, even if Neil mostly worked while they were here. 

Their worry had solid foundations, after all. 

* * *

It's when the party is finally happening that Neil discovers how Andrew is like with the people he actively dislikes. 

Neil didn't know half of the people that were at the party, mostly because he didn't really know that many people at all. His house was packed, and Neil felt lucky that he wasn't someone who had many things to be destroyed and also wasn't someone who cared if his house got a little dirty (especially when he noticed how much glitter people were dusting all over). The people the Foxes invited were mostly young adults, so after the first hour, everybody was fairly drunk. 

They still snickered when they saw Neil and Andrew together though. To be fair, Neil’s orange coveralls were offensive to the eyes, and both Neil’s and Andrew’s blond and black wigs respectively were incredibly pointy. And not discreet at all. 

It was a shock to see Andrew in blue though, with white short pants. Also, both their feet were visible. Andrew’s skin was hypnotizingly pale, especially with the special lights Allison and Nicky had bought for Neil’s house. 

Anyway, what mattered was that Neil didn't bother to drink and Andrew, who stayed by his side, drank two shots of vodka and nothing else. Kevin had fallen mouth first into a tequila bottle when nobody was able to guess what his costume was (who dressed as a dead president, anyway?) and was very happily draped over a tall dark-skinned woman who didn't seem to care as she kept one arm around Kevin's waist and talked normally to Jean's priest, Jeremy. 

When Neil saw Aaron approaching them with a frown and an apprehensive glint in his eyes, Neil turned to Andrew and was ready to ask, “What does he want now?” but he noticed something great: Andrew's dragon was huffing and puffing angrily by his side, trying to act territorial. Neil was surprised that no one else had sensed the shift in the violent energy: Andrew was emitting _a lot _of it, after all. 

Andrew’s expression remained motionless, though. Maybe that was why there wasn’t anybody reacting at all. 

“Hi!” said the woman behind Aaron, who Neil hadn't notice at all until she'd spoken. Neil squinted at her and notice that she and Aaron were holding hands. “You're Neil, right? I'm Katelyn. I've heard so much about you!” 

She extended one hand for a handshake, but Neil and Andrew ignored it. “That's funny. I haven't heard about you at all.” 

Katelyn laughed as if it was actually something funny and started to remedy the fact that Neil didn't know anything about her by telling him everything. 

Katelyn was a fire-eating firefighter. She had actually been one of the firefighters who had evaluated Neil's powers when he was trying to get his crematorium approved. She had many questions about how useful Neil's powers could be in different kinds of situations, from urban fires to wildfire. 

Most importantly though, she was Aaron's girlfriend. 

Neil had to chew his cheek in order to not grin at how Andrew's dragon didn't step down at all while Katelyn was near. It was even greater when Aaron's dragon started to react, at first trying to be as aggressive as Andrew's but, when he failed to match, he started to just pace his energy around Katelyn protectively. 

Their faces kept on being neutral. 

Katelyn didn't seem to notice that something was happening metaphysically. 

Neil didn't bother to pay close attention to what she was saying or to contribute with anything other than a head shake or a nod. Katelyn adjusted her questions to become closed-ended ones. 

Even if Katelyn didn’t shut up, the party was not as bad as Neil thought it would be. It was mostly hilarious and _interesting _to watch so many unknown people interacting with his friends, but it was not the miserable tragedy Neil had expected. 

That was until the nightmare came. 

* * *

Nobody noticed they were afraid, at first. It was mostly just an uneasiness that spread through the party like unnoticeable sound waves weaved into the music that was playing not loudly at all. 

When the music stopped playing though, there was a confused silence and then soft questioning murmurs. 

Then, the fear stepped up a notch. 

Nobody worried about the music anymore as some started hyperventilating, others started to shake, others started to gather their things to run and others assumed a tense position like they were ready for a fight. 

Then the lights went out. And the screaming started. 

Now, the weight of the fear was oppressive and it begged for a quick answer from them. The ones who gave in and screamed were just trying to release the pressure but that was useless. The fear stayed in you, no matter how loud you were. 

Andrew reached out in the dark and held onto Neil's wrist with a painful grip. It was enough to shake Neil into action and he put his whole house on fire, including the people. 

Many let out startled yelps and Neil could see some people trying to bat at the flames (Katelyn tried to eat them and yelped when she was burned, probably because she had never been burned before) until they noticed that it didn't burn them (Katelyn aside). 

Neil, however, couldn't burn himself. He knew this fear and it needed to have at least one person afraid. Neil's breath came out tremulous, but he stood strong as a black cat came in through the window and stalked the burning ground without catching on fire. 

“Hello, Neil,” the cat said, green eyes shining bright against the orange flames. 

“Hello, Nightmare,” Neil answered and felt a detached sort of pride for the fact that his voice didn't waver much. “How can I help you?” 

“I need a place to stay for three days. My master informed me that I should politely ask for shelter from you.” 

“Master?” Neil asked, confused. 

“I made a deal with Ichirou Moriyama,” Nightmare gave a cat grin at the shocked gasp some people let out at that. Neil gave a quick look at Kevin, who was still draped over the same woman but now had a haunted look on his drunken face. “He has lots of people to scare, I have a lot of people to feed upon. It works out.” 

“Are you here to feed on me and my guests?” Neil asked. He knew he should feel angry but he couldn't. The fear was too overwhelming. 

“I was explicitly told not to,” Nightmare answered and he sounded annoyed at that. “But you understand that there are some things that I… can't exactly control.” 

“That's understandable. I will want something in return though. For the inconvenience, obviously.” 

“Obviously,” Nightmare agreed. “I won't need anything special, okay?” 

Then Nightmare sauntered off to Neil's bedroom and the door closed on its own, and Neil stopped his protective fire now that they wouldn't be victims of the hopelessly afraid state they'd been forced into just by being in Nightmare's presence. 

He did move closer to the door that Nightmare had passed through, though. He didn’t believe Nightmare had lied, but it was better to be safe than sorry. 

It was almost funny to see all of the Foxes' guests scrambling to get away from there with hasty goodbyes but Neil was actually being filled with the sensation of dread. Only the Foxes, Katelyn and Jeremy had stayed. 

“What the absolute fuck was that?” Seth asked in a bark. 

“A Nightmare. Manifestation of raw magic, and creatures that prey on fear.” Kevin's voice sounded dead, like he was just relaying information that nobody should have any emotional response towards. Mostly, Neil just thought he was dissociating. “They're usually found in Eastern Europe and parts of Asia.” 

The Foxes stayed behind when Jean came to take Jeremy away, sniffing towards Neil’s house and telling him he’s spread the word around so no gods would come, and Aaron said goodbye to Katelyn, but didn’t go with her. The Foxes helped with the cleanup but did a terrible job of concealing their furtive glances towards Neil. Andrew didn't bother to be subtle at all, staring at Neil's every movement without helping anyone clean anything. 

“You can't stay here,” Andrew said in a low murmur. The other Foxes pretended to not try to listen very hard to their conversations but from their frustrated faces, Neil knew they couldn't hear a word. “If you're already having nightmares without a creature to—” 

“I know,” Neil snapped and then sighed when Andrew just gave him a look. “I know but I can't. If there isn't one person buffering their call, it spreads. I can't let him terrorize the whole neighborhood just because I can't stand to be a little afraid.” 

“You self-sacrificing idiot,” Andrew snarled and left the apartment without another word. Neil knew he hadn't actually left because he'd driven his group here, so Andrew would probably wait for them outside, but Neil’s breathing started to quicken without Andrew’s calming presence there. 

Neil took a while to realize, but he felt guilty when he finally thought that Andrew would probably feel the echoes of Nightmare's visit the whole time. They'd both be incredibly miserable. 

Unfortunately, Neil couldn't deny Nightmare or Ichirou. He could sense that there was something else happening that he wasn’t being informed about. Foiling Moriyamas’ plan was something that he tried not to do these days. 

The Foxes offered to keep him company, but he politely declined and ushered them out when his house was clean. He locked the door behind them and looked at his bedroom’s door. 

He resigned himself to lie down on his sofa to wait. 

* * *

Nightmare took his sweet time to come back out. 

He indeed had a message from Ichirou. Apparently, the last priest of his father (Lola Malcolm, as they had learned when the police had questioned the group of people the Foxes had subdued, claiming they had to kill Nathan in self-defense) was still out and about, trying to gather information about Neil's weaknesses and old godlike ways. 

Unfortunately for her, Neil didn't have any major weaknesses. Mostly because he'd been a small god (no pun intended) and no big tales were ever written about him. He was just someone who would help you with heroic tasks if you were in a particularly tight spot. Nothing more than that. 

“Ichirou said he won't search or try to ambush her,” Nightmare made it clear. “My visit is completely unrelated.” 

“I know,” Neil said, which was true. He'd forced Ichirou into this deal and knew he had no obligation to hunt Lola down. If she came to attack him, Ichirou would do his best to protect him but he wouldn't do anything else. Neil didn't begrudge him. 

“Also, just so you are aware… you used to smell less like such a good meal,” Nightmare said and grinned wide. “You might want to try to solve whatever issue that is troubling you. It's a big enough weak spot for someone who isn't totally safe.” 

Neil sighed as his heart skipped a beat but nodded silently. His heart started to pound harder when he thought about the possibility of Lola Malcolm possibly using a Nightmare _purposefully _against him, but he did his best to banish that thought. 

Nothing could be done about the pounding of his heart, that would probably keep this pace for the duration of Nightmare's stay. What was worse was that Neil knew he couldn't sleep or it would be worse. 

He steeled himself and was ready to go three days without sleeping. 

* * *

Neil was miserable for the entire time but especially on the evening of the second day, when he accidentally started to nap and then woke up screaming. 

After that came the hallucinations. He kept seeing all the people from his nightmare, and soon his apartment was filled with dead people, agonizing everywhere. His mother screamed at him, over and over, until her words didn’t make any sense. Utu stayed distant from him, his face impassive but without showing his feelings as he bled and bled and bled but didn’t keel over. 

It made no difference that Neil was awake and kept himself awake. It made no difference that he knew everything he was seeing wasn’t real. Neil didn’t know if Nightmare was staying near Neil just to be sadistic, but he didn’t doubt it, and there was nothing he could do about it. 

He hoped the recompense was good enough. Also, he hoped that Andrew was able to forgive him. 

* * *

Nightmare didn't say goodbye when he left on the third day. Neil had glued himself to his sofa and hadn't moved since the hallucinations started, so he didn’t notice at first when he was alone. 

His mother had been still screaming at him when she stopped abruptly. The whole room was quiet now, the moaning and groaning and shrieking also gone. Neil took a deep breath and raised his eyes from his carpet to look around his empty apartment, his neck letting him know that he would need to stretch his body a lot in the very near future. 

The first thing Neil notice what that he was desperately close to pissing his pants, which was not ideal. He got up to go to the bathroom and felt his phone vibrating in his back pocket. 

Honestly, it was a miracle that it still had any battery left. Neil finished his business, washed his hands and got his phone out while still in the bathroom. 

_Andrew is calling_, his screen told him dispassionately. 

“Hello?” Neil croaked and tried to clean his throat. 

“That thing is gone, then,” Andrew said and his voice sounded just as rough as Neil’s. 

“Yes, it is,” Neil said and didn't like how his voice echoed back at him. He left the bathroom and went to the kitchen, finally noticing how hungry he was. He kept talking as he walked and tried not to think about the things he'd seen. 

“Did you have fun?” Andrew asked in his monotonous voice but Neil could sense he wasn't feeling as blank as he wanted to appear. 

“Can you come here?” Neil didn’t like how he had to fight to keep his voice and his nerves together. Andrew was quiet for a long time—too long. Neil lowered his phone to look at the screen and noticed that Andrew had hung up on him. 

Neil sighed and got inside the kitchen just to get something frozen that was in his freezer. He didn’t bother to decipher what it was as he sat with his back against the wall right in front of his front door, arms hugging his knees. If Andrew appeared, good. If he didn’t, well… Neil would deal with it. 

No matter what he told himself though, he couldn’t stop his body from shaking. 

* * *

Falling asleep was easier than staying asleep. Nightmare had done his unintended job and unsettled Neil subconscious enough that his nightmares were amorphous and simply made Neil’s heart race. 

Neil had absolutely no idea how long it took for Andrew to appear out of nowhere in front of Neil’s face, making him jump slightly. Neil hadn’t heard the door opening, or Andrew’s voice calling him. 

“Oh,” Neil said, breathless and almost hyperventilating, but still unbearably happy at seeing Andrew. “You came.” 

Andrew frowned at him and the downturn curve of his mouth fascinated Neil. He kept his stare focused on Andrew’s mouth, and he saw it moving, but couldn’t hear him. 

“Why can’t I hear you?” Neil asked, or thought he’d asked, until Andrew touched his chest with his fingertips and made Neil look down to watch his chest move up and down, too fast. 

Oh. Neil was hyperventilating. Maybe having a panic attack? He had no idea what was happening with his body, to be honest. 

But he knew Andrew wanted him to breathe, so he did. Neil went back to watching Andrew, trying to mimic his breathing pattern. It took a long time, but eventually, he was able to hear Andrew counting breaths for him, and he gradually was able to match the slow countdown Andrew had going. 

“Are you present, Neil?” 

“More than I was a few moments ago, that’s for sure.” Neil sounded like he had run a marathon, but that was to be expected. He thought that he maybe should expect that to happen more often in the future, because there was no way this wasn’t going to have consequences—worse than even the nightmares his brain was capable of producing. 

Neil thought how bad his health had been recently just from having normal nightmares. He thought about Nightmare’s hungry grin while saying that Neil smelled better now than he did when they’d met before when Neil was still a god. When Neil still had hope, when Neil still connected to what he was. 

After taking a deep breath and holding it in, Neil sighed. He raised his eyes to look at Andrew’s eyes and saw that even displeased at him for playing with his mental health, Andrew didn’t resent him enough to refuse to offer his hand to help Neil’s body with something like breathing. Andrew had been insisting that he should take care of his nightmares and he was right. Matt was also correct in saying they were a symptom, not the issue itself. 

Worst of all, Neil knew he himself had been right when he gave advice to Jean. He was littering garbage in Andrew’s connection to him and making their relationship purposefully difficult, even if that wasn’t his intention. Fearing what happened with their priests was _both _their fears, and they couldn’t be resolved by just keeping it in. Jean had been eons ahead of Neil, even if he hadn’t searched for therapy—yet. Neil though had been worse. Neil had bottled everything, until it became a big and noticeable _weakness_. His mother would’ve killed him twice—once for putting himself in these grave of a danger and again for having a priest. 

Neil sighed. Now he knew there was no way for him to keep insisting that he could take care of things on his own. 

“Well,” Neil said and gave a weak smile. “Do you happen to know any therapists for me? I think I might need one after that.” 

Andrew sighed but Neil could hear what Andrew hid deep down within it: relief. 

* * *

Therapy sucked as much as Neil expected it too. 

Not because it didn’t help. It was incredibly frustrating how much a human could untangle the pathways of his immortal brain and try to help him cope with his unresting memories. 

Therapy served to give the patient insight, not just helpful tools to cope with their issues. It was sensical that understanding yourself better led to finding more things that explained how you ticked and you ended up better and faster at dealing with your problems. 

And what did Neil learned in therapy, first with Dobson (with whom he’d been incredibly uncomfortable) and then with Alvarez (who was an _actual therapy goddess_, although a mortal one)? 

That maybe, just maybe, he wasn’t really fit to be immortal. 

“At the end of the day, living things enjoy rest,” Alvarez said to him once. “Think about your life: can you say that you feel rested?” 

Neil, unfortunately, had to say no. But not just that: he couldn’t look at his life and feel okay with mortality or immortality. 

The thing was… The thing was that Neil didn’t want to keep living anymore. Not in the suicidal ideation that had been moving him since before he met Andrew—and Matt, and Dan, and Allison, and Nicky and Renee, even Aaron and Set—but rather like immortality wasn’t a prize, the reward for helping people that it once had been. It was a burden. 

_The _burden. 

Which made Neil feel guilty about his past and the people who belonged in them. Because at the end of the day, there was nothing fair that he could do to bring them back, especially if he kept obsessing over their deaths. Neil had been presented with his immortality because he’d been outstandingly helpful to other immortal people, as well as the villagers and heroes and anyone who asked for his help. 

Lately, though? He didn’t feel like his immortality was anything good. It was actually the source of all of his anxiety. 

Neil didn’t need his immortality to keep his powers. He didn’t need to keep his immortality to feel safe from enemies. He didn’t even have that many enemies, after all, and the only immediate threat to his life didn’t even feel that threatening. Lola Malcolm was a nobody. Even if she could get close enough to him, Neil trusted that Ichirou would honor their agreement, if not by honor than by Neil’s magic. 

Neil trusted the Foxes. 

Trusted Andrew. 

And he trusted himself. 

He didn’t need immortality anymore. 

So really, giving it up was not hard at all. 

* * *

He started small. 

He’d take his immortality out when he was working. Because he couldn’t rely anymore on that armor protecting him from tiredness, he had to fix his sleeping schedule. Alvarez told about all his options for medicines, but Neil wanted to try it on his own, at first. 

If he felt sleepy during his shift, he just took a nap. If he woke up because of a nightmare disguised as a twisted memory, he tried really hard not to get tangled in a discussion with his own brain. 

With time, he got better at going hours without his immortality. Eventually, he started to not use it for days. 

By Christmas, he had been two weeks without using his immortality, and he felt great. Now that he was going to therapy, he felt a little unsettled at the immortal people who came to him seeking guidance for their problems but he still helped them. Sometimes, he even suggested that they should find a therapist and when they were stubborn and prejudiced, Neil told them about his experiences. 

They had come to hear him, and hear they did. 

By New Year’s Eve, Neil felt ready to sit Andrew down and pass him his immortality. 

Andrew held the orb and watched the orange and auburn bonfire going on inside of it. Neil’s immortality made weird shadows dance on Andrew’s pale face, but he looked better, especially now that Neil woke him up less with unintentional distress calls. After a few seconds of intense attention, Andrew moved his gaze towards Neil. His mouth was curving to show his teeth, but not in a smile. 

“What are you doing?” Andrew snarled and Neil watched the closest demonstration to rage that Andrew had even shown him on his face. His dragon had been almost trying to reach the orb, uncaring that Andrew’s human body was between them. From their matching snarling faces, Neil knew that they wanted to destroy something in a fit of rage. 

It was fascinating. 

“I don’t want to be immortal anymore,” Neil told Andrew and watched as Andrew’s eyes made it clear that his brain was running the wrong scenarios in his head. “I don’t want to die either. I just think that immortality doesn’t fit with me anymore. It’s more of a weight than an honor. I want…” Neil’s voice failed, but he cleaned his throat and kept going, still staring Andrew dead in the eyes. “I want to grow old. I want to watch all of you growing old as well. I want to finally rest and feel like I can find my place again and settle down. I still feel like a nobody when I don’t have to be nobody anymore.” 

Andrew’s expression had gradually changed as Neil spoke, going from angry to his normal dispassionate self, but Neil was swimming in his eyes since they’d turned into deep pools of understanding. From their fairy tales, that seemed to have been spoken centuries ago, Neil knew Andrew understood the want to just belong, even if he’d never use those words out loud. 

That’s why Neil didn’t protest when Andrew slipped the orb in his pocket, and he smiled a little at Andrew’s frown towards the obvious glow through the fabric. 

“That’s not a good way of concealing it,” Neil said and went after a bag or something to dim its light. His heart felt lighter by at least a dozen pounds. After Andrew had his immortality safely wrapped around a sweater, that was thrown inside a brown paper bag, they sat on the sofa facing one another. 

Andrew’s hand kept touching the bag to make sure that it was still there. 

Out of Neil’s apartment, there was faint screaming and then those bothersome fireworks. Neil felt like they were a commemoration for his own new beginning, not the Years. He didn’t care about giving a new meaning to a celebration that now would finally make sense to him. 

Andrew watched Neil smiling to himself and didn’t comment. 

He did move his fingers close to Neil’s knee, though. They lightly brushed against Neil’s pants and Andrew sighed, closing his eyes. Neil carefully approached his own fingers towards Andrew until he opened his eyes and nodded at Neil, squeezing Neil’s fingers when he moved to wrap their hands together. 

Maybe… maybe now Neil would finally be able to just fucking rest. 

Well. Now he had time. Not all the time in the world, but enough time. And he would finally use it wisely. 

And maybe find a hobby. It was way overdue that he found something to bring him _happiness_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
if you think i need to tag anything, comment or come to my tumblr. im still at [polzkadotz](http://polzkadotz.tumblr.com). if you wanna know about the next fic in this series or something, you can message me as well!  
  
thank you for reading!!!!!  


**Author's Note:**

>   
i can still be found at [polzkadotz](http://polzkadotz.tumblr.com), eagerly waiting for validation or anything xoxo  



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